Crackers
by jackieisdacaptain
Summary: 'Tis the season to be jolly! or not in Jack's case! What happens when Jack's idea of a perfect christmas is completely shattered by his cut-throat family and a big, fat, unwanted secret. As this is a Christmas fic, a chapter a week shall be published for you lovely lot as a little present! Please R&R! M for sexual refernces but is probably suitable for 15 !
1. A christmas carol

**Chapter 1: A Christmas Carol**

(To the tune of 'Ding Dong Merrily on High')

"_Dildos! I'm so very high,  
Come ladies, my bell need ringing!  
Dildos! Don't compare to mine!  
Come ladies, I'll have you singing:  
Awash! Aaaagh aagh aagh aagh aagh aaaaaaaaaagh! Oh oh oh oh oh ooooooooooooooh! Oh me oh my YES BA- A- ABY! My penis is AMAZING!_" Jack bellowed proudly around the halls of his Tortugan home,

"Wow Jack, umm, lovely!" Arabella clapped, coming in through the front door unexpectedly, "That was beautiful... How can you do that in your own home? Ever heard of something called shame?"

"Teague's not here right now. If only he knew..."

"Where did you learn that?"

"I didn't. I wrote it! And it's all true! Arabella," Jack did his sexiest paedophile look, "Would you like to do some... "singing"?"

"I'm going..." Arabella said, backing away as Jack rape-walked her. "It's a shame; I'd brought mistletoe. And you're present!"

Jack switched from paedophile to puppy dog, "I'm sorry. I loveses you!"

"Awww... Merry Christmas!" Arabella laughed, taking the mistletoe from behind her back and holding it out in front of her. Jack kissed her festively.

"Mmm, spicy!" Arabella said. "Now it's time for your present!" she held out a small, parcel.

"What is it?" asked Jack excitedly, snatching at it. "Is it socks?"

"No... why, should it have been?"

Jack nodded, "I like socks. Socks make me happy..."

"Why don't you just open it and have a look?" Arabella asked through gritted teeth, Jack rolled his eyes, and smiled at her, he pulled off the paper to find a well and cushioned dagger,

"Bells...That is awesome!" Jack said well and truly chuffed, "I guess I should give you yours?" Arabella failed to hold back her excited-ness as made her hands into a saucer shape reader to receive the gift, she nodded eagerly, Jack produced a small square box package and put it into her hands,

"There you go." He said simply, "Be warned, Diego helped me choose it." She ripped open the packaging, almost psychotically; Jack stepped back ever so slightly terrified, eventually, Arabella found her way into a blue box, she opened it to find a silver charm bracelet with four charms, A Bird (Presumably a sparrow.), a small boat, a heart and...a rum Tankard,

"The sparrow represents me," Jack said, grinning, obviously chuffed. "The heart represents your love for me, the boat represents all the wonderful times we've spent together and all the memories we share, and the beer tankard is to represent you."

Arabella was speechless in her wrath. Then: "All I am to you is a BEER TANKARD?!" she screeched, throwing the bracelet back in Jack's face.

"You... you don't like it?" Jack said, confused.

"I HATE it!" she screamed. "And I hate YOU, you self-absorbed, immature DRUNKARD!"

"Oh." Jack felt a lump rise in his throat.

Arabella glared at him for several minutes without speaking. The atmosphere grew unbearably tense.

"Dildos! I'm so very high," Jack began to sing, desperate to diffuse the awkwardness. "Come ladies... my bell needs... ringing." Jack stopped.

Arabella slapped him so hard he reeled over onto the floor and stormed out of the house, leaving the bracelet, forgotten, upon the floor, next to Jack.


	2. The Ghost of Christmas Past

**Chapter 2: The Ghost of Christmas Past**

"What. Have you done. To our house?" Teague bellowed, wobbling through the door at 1 am.

"Merry Christmas to you too!" Jack called groggily from his bed.

"Bah humbug!" Teague growled, marching up the stairs and into Jack's room. "There is tinsel hanging from the walls, there is a Christmas tree in every room and a suspicious trail of reindeer poo leading into my office, in which I found the Code, chewed-up-" Teague's voice choked up.

"Such a shame..." Jack said sarcastically.

"And some half-devoured, saliva-soaked lyrics to 'Dildos, I'm so very high'. Care to explain?"

"The reindeer's awesome, he's called Bobbin and he's my new pet!"

"What happened to the goldfish?"

"He died."

"_Again!? _HOW?!"

"He drowned ok!?"

"You can't even look after a goldfish! How're you meant to look after a reindeer?"

"It's not my fault the bloody things can't swim!"

"How about we get rid of the reindeer, and I'll get you a more appropriate pet?" Teague reasoned as calmly as was possible.

"I DON'T WANT ANOTHER GOLDFISH!" Jack said,

"Well they just about suit your level of maturity!"

"What do you mean?" Jack asked affronted, Teague pulled out a crumpled and chewed piece of paper.

"Dildos I'm so very high?" He read. "Ring any bells?"

"I haven't got a clue what you're on about!"

"Then why is it by one Jack Sparrow?"

"Because, in one very boring lesson, where all I had for entertainment was a pen, paper and a piano I had a stroke of genius!"

"Was this lesson, by any chance, the Code?" Teague spoke the word reverently

"...The Code is more like guidelines than actual rules therefore I don't need to know it!"

Teague's face underwent several changes of colour. Jack figured he probably wasn't breathing. He clenched and unclenched his fists, beat his thighs, and spat upon the ground, "Well," he said finally. "Well."

"Well?" Jack asked.

"At least I don't have to worry about my son becoming a nerd..."

Jack thought it best to change the subject. "I bought the turkey today!"

"Aaaah..." Teague said. "Yes, I came up here to ruin your Yuletide," Teague's face suddenly changed to a flicker of evil, "I am the Ghost of Christmas Past!"

Jack looked concerned. "How drunk are you?"

"I've come to take ye to Christmas future... at Shipwreck Cove!"

"You're joking right?" Jack asked, panicked, "Right? RIGHT?"

"Aye, I be joking!"

Jack breathed a sigh of relief.

"No, I'm deadly," and there was a very deadly, ominous and foreboding silence, "serious."

"Please, Daddy," Jack pleaded. "This was going to be my first Christmas without Mabletrude predicting my death, Valerie plotting my death and Grandmamma actively pursuing my death. This was going to be the first Christmas where I ate the turkey rather than it being ripped limb from limb and thrown, along with daggers, in a family feud bloodbath food fight fest. Last year, all I had to eat was one chocolate! It had been on the floor for at least a year; it was covered in dog slobber, piss and human shit but it tasted so, so good!" Jack fell onto his knees. "Last Christmas, my presents were twenty pairs of socks! It was the best Christmas I've ever had... until the East children ate them! They each took a pair from my hands, quivering with joy, and tore it fibre from fibre with their teeth! Then, when they had eaten their fill, they threw the remainder of my socks onto a pyre they'd built from the Christmas tree along with the Christmas pudding and set it all alight! They tore my bandana, the only possession that meant anything to me, and they burnt it and forced me to watch, holding my eyes open with cocktail sausage sticks. The next day I had to brush my hair and I still have the headache! Only one of my twenty pairs of socks remained. These I had upon my feet but they did their very best to take them, one child biting my toe and trying to take my whole foot with it. Look at the hole!" Jack held his foot in front of Teague's face, making him feel vaguely sick. "Do you see the teeth marks? I have been wearing this toeless pair of socks all year and it has fused with my skin. If they try to remove them this year my whole foot will go with it! Please, Daddy, please. Have mercy upon me!"

Jack bowed to the floor, kissing Teague's feet.

"Diddums," Teague said, pulling a mock-sympathetic face and patting Jack on the head. "Pack yer bag; we're going!"


	3. Bobbin the No-More Reindeer

**Chapter 3: Bobbin the No-more Reindeer**

"I SHALL! I SHALL NOT BE MOVED! I SHALL! I SHALL NOT BE MOVED!" Jack bellowed from the bottom step of the stairs, cross legged and arms folded defiantly.

"SHUT UP!" Teague screeched. Jack, for the tenth time that day, ignored him. "How long are you going to keep this up?"

"As long as it takes! All Christmas if necessary!"

"I've packed the decorations!" Teague tried to lure Jack toward the ship.

Jack's nose twitched, and for a moment it looked as if he would be swayed. "As long as Bobbin's here, I have no need to leave!"

"Jack... I'm sorry but Bobbin's moved on."

"Where to?"

"The butcher."

"WHAT?"

"Don't worry, the butcher knows Santa. Bobbin's learning how to fly!"

"Bobbin's always wanted to fly," Jack smiled.

"Indeed. And guess what Santa said?"

"You spoke to Santa?"

"The butcher sent him a letter for me."

"Wow!"

"Yes. Anyway, Santa said that, once Bobbin learns to fly, he'll use him for his sleigh on Christmas Eve and that Bobbin can come and visit you and demonstrate his skills."

"I can see Bobbin again? And he'll be FLYING?" Jack could barely contain his excitement.

"Yes. But, the only thing is, I already told him where we'd be this Christmas- Shipwreck Cove. And so if you're not there then Bobbin will be disappointed."

"I have to go to Shipwreck Cove," Jack realised.

"Yes!" Teague cried. _Oh, the naivety of the youth... _"Now chop chop," Teague allowed himself a smile and a moment to enjoy that in-pun with himself. He then realised that he had no friends, and so took this out in his usual manner: on his son. "Go and pack your bag!"

"OK then!" Jack raced up the stairs. Suddenly, on the top stair, he realised. He stopped and turned around. "You're lying to me," he said accusingly.

"I am not!" Teague sounded insulted.

"Oh yes you are! And do you know how I know?"

Teague shook his head in mock bewilderment.

"Because Santa knows EVERYTHING, so he'll know that I haven't gone to Shipwreck Cove, so there!"

Teague was completely speechless. He watched in amazement as Jack sat back down and resumed his chanting: "I SHALL! I SHALL NOT BE MOVED! I SHALL! I SHALL NOT BE MOVED! I SHALL! I SHALL NOT BE MOVED! I SHALL! I SHALL NOT BE-,"

The door was flung open and in walked Gibbs, chomping what looked like a sausage, "Jack, what the hell are you doing? We're setting sail in an hour."

"I... I don't know."

"Well isn't this awkward," Teague said, making the situation a hundred times more awkward than it had been previously.

"Of course not!" cried Jack. "I'm wearing trousers, aren't I? Aren't I?" Jack checked quickly and breathed a sigh of relief. "Now I'll just be off to pack my bag."

"Mmm..." said Gibbs, finishing the sausage. "If we've got time before the ship sails we could stop by the butcher's and pick up some more of their new sausages; they're delicious!" Teague shot Gibbs a warning look but Gibbs didn't pick up on it. "Something unusual, some funny type of meat. Venison, I think. Some kind of deer..."

"HOW COULD YOU- SANTA? – WHAT? – MY LIFE IS A – WHAT? – HOW COULD YOU? – BOBBIN! BOBBIN! – HOW COULD YOU? – _HOW COULD YOU? –_ SANTA! SANTA'S NOT – A LIE. MY LIFE – BOBBIN!"

"This is my son," Teague told Gibbs, gesturing. "He's seventeen. He loves whoring, drinking, partying, more whoring... and he still believes in Santa."

"So... umm. We don't want the sausages?" asked Gibbs.

"I HATE YOU!" Jack screamed. "I HATE YOU BOTH! YOU ARE AWFUL PEOPLE AND... UUUUUUGH!" Jack ran out of the building.

"Oh, ever the drama queen..."


	4. It's on the top of the page

**Chapter 4:** **On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me: three in one bedroom, two scary women and a Cathy naked in the sea! (Soz for long title... soz for even longer title... HA. HA. HAAAA!)**

Jack wandered aimlessly down the street, unsure of where to go. It looked like he'd be spending Christmas alone... again. Oh wait! Jack had a stroke of inspiration. Where could he always find friends to spend special times with? The alehouses! Jack headed towards his favourite, The Silver Fish, where the whores would keep him company over the festive season.

He glanced across the road and his blood ran cold. All thoughts of pleasure left his mind as the scariest sight he'd ever beheld greeted him.

Standing across the street was a blonde woman, in her mid-twenties, wearing ripped clothing and with a crazy grin on her face. She was standing opposite his house and staring right at him.

Cathy was back.

As soon as she knew Jack had seen her she began slowly walking across the road, one foot after another, her head cocked to one side and her eyes wide, darting her tongue in and out of her mouth. Jack dodged between passersby and ran for the back alleys, where he hoped she wouldn't track him down. He nipped round corners, Cathy hot in pursuit. At one point he thought he'd lost her only to discover her waiting at the end of the alleyway that he was running towards. He turned around quickly and headed in the other direction, leapt over several stalls in a marketplace, upsetting several parrots and overturning several shillings' worth of fruit.

"Oi!" one man yelled after him.

"I'm sorry, but there's a crazy woman called Cathy chasing me!"

"Women..." the man shivered. "Don't worry about it. And good luck!"

Jack thanked him and continued on his way, a plan forming in his mind. He was only a few streets away from Arabella's house.

Jack crashed through the window and fell to the floor of Arabella's room with a loud thud.

"Welcome home darling!" Captain Smith called upstairs, "Although you could have just used the door."

Jack was about to jump straight out the window again when he realised that Cathy was standing outside it, waiting for her prey. Cathy and Captain Smith. The two people, nay, monsters who scared him most in the world. He jumped into Arabella's bed and threw the covers over his head, petrified.

"Where have you been all night?" Captain Smith asked, looking over at the bed. "Arabella, I think we need to have a chat."

Jack's eyes widened in terror. He recognised that tone of voice in a parent...it was the safe sex talk. It'd been bad enough with Teague! Jack was still scarred by Teague's advice.

"You've been staying out late some nights recently and I've no false ideas about where you've been, who you've been with and what you've been doing. You've been with that Jack," Captain Smith spat his name. "And you've been... well, you know what you've been doing. Arabella, I know this can be awkward but I want you to be careful," Captain Smith started. Jack was already feeling physically sick. "I wish you wouldn't hurry into giving your virginity away; it's the one thing you can never get back!" Jack swallowed the vomit. "And to that filthy, greasy maggot... Uugghh. But, it's your life, and I know that nothing I can say will make any difference."

Jack snorted. This was all horribly ironic as Arabella was _still _refusing to give in to his god-like powers of seduction, and he held Captain Smith personally responsible for this. Captain Smith sighed.

"Arabella, I just want you to be careful with your choices in life, don't go rushing into something you might regret later, what I'm trying to say is, be careful."

Jack sniggered slightly...Careful? Ridiculous!

"Anyway, I'll leave you to sleep off that hangover! Night darling!" Captain Smith kissed the blankets where Jack's head was, "See you later."

Jack decided that Captain Smith was even scarier when she was trying to be nice and understanding than when she was biting off his head. No sooner had Captain Smith left the room than Jack heard the voice of the real Arabella as she tumbled through the still open window.

"Oh good! She's out!"

"Thank god! We're alone!" A new voice, but one that Jack recognised, suddenly he heard the sound of slurping almost like a kiss? Arabella was kissing someone else! He leapt up from under the covers and saw Arabella, face and body pressed against...BILLY!

"Well hello there!" Jack coughed, "Don't let me interrupt!"

The pair broke apart and whirled around.

"Oh, hi Jack..." Arabella whispered. Her cheeks were red and flushed and her chest was heaving. Billy's legs were crossed awkwardly.

"What's he doing in your bed , Arabella love-,"

"Billy, my boyfriend, Jack..." Arabella interrupted before he could say anything worse. She glowered at Jack. "And I was about to ask you the same question."

"Because, dearest , Cathy is back! She's following me and I can't go home because then I have to go to Shipwreck Cove. See the problem? Now a question for you what's he doing here!" Jack demanded

"Who?" asked Arabella innocently.

"HIM!" Jack pointed, "Him with the aroused-,"

"Oh him! Yes uh, Billy's here to clean the windows." Arabella nodded.

"With his tongue or his penis?" Jack demanded storming to the window.

"I seem to remember a certain Clara, cleaning up your floors after a drunken party thank you very mu-,"

"SHE'S FOUND ME!" Jack shrieked interrupting Arabella mid-rant. Billy followed Jack's gaze to Cathy who stood licking her lips.

"Bells! HELP ME!" Arabella prised Jack away from her and looked to Billy, giving him a 'sorry about my pathetic boyfriend, I'll get him away as quickly as possible then we can get back to business' or so it seemed to Jack.

"Maybe if you run fast enough, she won't catch you!" Arabella suggested. "Out the front door, she's round the back. You'll be fine!" Arabella said ushering him out the door.

"Fine then. I can see I'm not wanted here anymore anyway! Have fun with Billy!" Jack said storming from the room. He stopped and waited for Arabella to come rushing over to him crying and apologising. There was nothing until the slurping sound continued and Jack realised with more than a little sadness that him and Arabella were no more.

Slowly shakily he made his was down the stairs and out onto the street, looking around nervously to see if he could spot Cathy. Arabella's house was right next to the docks. A familiar ship was setting sail.

"WAIT!" Jack screeched, sprinting down to the docks and onto the gangplank. "WAIT PLEASE!" Teague turned from the prow of the Misty Lady. He smiled slyly.

"Thought you decided to spend the holidays with your girlfriend?" He teased as Jack caught his breath,

"Set sail...NOW!" Jack said, his voice shaky with panic.

"Why? We've still got to load up some barrels."

"Because of that." Jack pointed to the shore where Cathy stood smiling eerily, seemingly looking right though them and also looking possessed. Teague's eyes widened in horror.

"RIGHT YE SCURVY DOGS! NO TIME FOR BARRELS! I WANT TO BE AT SHIPWRECK COVE BY NIGHTFALL! THAT'S AN ORDER!"

The sailors knew better than to argue with Teague when he wanted something done; they rushed to unfurl the sails and in a matter of seconds the wind was catching them. Jack glanced nervously back at Cathy as the ship sped away and clutched at Teague in fear. Cathy had stripped completely-a scarring sight- and was swimming towards them.

"MAN THE OARS!" Teague screeched as she gained on them. The sailors jumped to his orders and Jack breathed a sigh of relief as they sped away from shore, perhaps Cathy would drown, perhaps the nightmare would end and he'd wake up at home. But then a sailor spotted her.

"QUICK!" He shouted "Turn the boat around; there's a lass in the water!" All eyes locked lustfully on Cathy.

"KEEP GOING!" Teague screamed desperately. The sailors were already turning the boat around,

"KEEP GOING OR YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO HOLD ANOTHER LASS AGAIN!"

The boat stopped, gripped in the confusion of half the crew thinking of getting their hands on the naked lady in the water. Cathy had reached the boat and was clawing the sides as desperate quivering hands reached down to help her up.

"EVERY MAN BACK TO HIS POST! MAN THE OARS AND MAN THE SAILS! LEAVE THAT BEAST IN THE WATER! I WANT TO BE AT SHIPWRECK COVE BY NIGHTFALL!" Jack stopped his inspiring speech. "DONT THINK I WONT EUNICHIFY YOU ALL! NOT HOLDING A LASS AGAIN PAH! WHAT ABOUT NEVER BEING ABLE TO ENJOY THE COMPANY OF ONE!" The sailors stopped, looked at Jack with terrified expressions, even Teague looked slightly concerned. Every hand ran to man a post and within seconds the ship spun away from Cathy leaving her screaming at the ship as she tried to kick towards them again. Teague looked shocked at Jack and his ability to control a crew, Jack just bowed smugly before walking below decks.


	5. Silent night

**Chapter 5: Silent night. **

Jack was sat on the bow-sprint of the Misty Lady, looking out across the waves, lost in thought, hoping the whole Christmas time would pass as quickly as possible.

"What you thinking about Jackie?" Teague asked, making Jack jump.

"...nothing."

"Having second thoughts about going to Shipwreck Cove?" Teague asked, trying to be understanding.

Jack scoffed, "I never had first thoughts!"

"Then what is it?" Teague asked.

Jack was silent.

"Come on," Teague reached out to pat Jack on the arm. The movement was stiff and awkward. "You can tell your old Da'."

"Your old Da'?" Jack asked incredulously ,picking up Teague's arm and removing it from his shoulder. "Look, if it'll make you leave me alone, it... well, it's been twelve years. Twelve Christmases."

Teague was confused.

"Since... ya know. I just miss her, sometimes, around Christmas. And other special times, when it'd be nice to have a sort of family. That's all..."

Teague winced at Jack's last words, not quite knowing how to reply.

"I knew you wouldn't get it," Jack said jumping down from the bow-sprint.

"I do," Teague said almost inaudibly, "I miss her too..."

But Jack was already walking away and obviously hadn't heard the last remark.

Teague was leaning against the side of the ship, mourning his dead wife and non-existent

relationship with his son when he felt a hand suddenly clutch at him. He yelped in terror, leaping

backwards and dragging Cathy up onto the ship with him. She stood there, her flesh glinting eerily

in the moonlight.

"Hello Teague," She smiled revealing long, wolf-like, teeth, "Long time no see?" she hissed.

"What do you want Cathy?" Teague spat, stepping away from her.

"You," she whispered, darting her tongue out. Teague gulped. He knew Cathy was a psychopath, but

she was still incredibly attractive. She stepped towards him. He remembered breathing heavily the

last time they had-

"Sorry," she said, cutting into his thoughts, "I meant your son, Jack." Teague looked disgusted.

"What? Upset you've been traded in for a newer, better and infinitely more charming model?"

Jack asked from the railings, his shirt seemed to be slightly more...unbuttoned than usual, he leaned

in an almost flirty way against the side of the ship.

Teague was confused,

"There you are my love," Cathy said desperately.

Instead of shuddering or throwing up Jack replied with, "Aye love. It's me! The one, the only. Please, control yourself." He growled the last bit.

Teague felt a little bit of sick rising through his throat,.

"Oh love; I have missed you so much." Cathy walked over to Jack and stroked his cheek, and, in a

completely unexpected turn of events, Jack whirled Cathy into his arms and planted a kiss on her

lips. Teague pretended to examine the decks while the whole bizarre event took place. The kiss

seemed to last for a lifetime but when Teague examined it closer, he realised Jack was pushing her

to the side of the decks, and, when Cathy was finally suspended over the edge of the boat, Jack let

go of her and she fell into the sea,

"Bye bye!" he mocked before rubbing his mouth free from Cathy germs. "Yuck!"

"Nicely done!" Teague said, punching Jack in the arm Laddishly.

"DONT JUST STAND THERE!" Jack screamed, "GET THE CREW UP! I WANT TO SEE SHIPWRECK COVE

BY MORNING!"


	6. driving home for christmas

**Chapter 6: Driving home for Christmas (Yes it's a song)**

"WE MADE IT!" Teague cried, kissing the dock's floor with tongues.

"And you now have syphilis... Come on, there's no time for that!"Jack grabbed Teague's collar. He glanced nervously over his shoulder. They hadn't seen Cathy since last night but that didn't mean she wasn't still in the water. For the first time in his life, Jack wanted to be home in the madhouse, it would be safer. Teague followed Jack's nervous glance.

"Good point! GIBBS! I'LL LEAVE YOU IN CHARGE OF ALL THE UNLOADING!" and then the Keeper of the code, the most fearsome pirate in the whole of the world ran, with his son and heir, the most troublesome but possibly the cleverest pirate in the world, away from a deranged naked woman.

After a few minutes of sprinting across the island, Teague was panting heavily.

"Please," he murmured, "can we stop...just for a moment?" Jack, whose own lungs were bursting but who hadn't wanted to be outrun by his decrepid father, consented.

He stared down to the docks where Gibbs and the rest of the crew unloaded the ship, when suddenly a familiar blonde head bobbed out of the water and climbed onto land.

"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH IT'S A DEMON! RRRRRRUUUUUUUNNNNNN!" Jack screamed, Teague and him sped off down the hill into the town.

Cathy must have been possessed by a demon because she ran so quickly that within a few seconds she was right behind Jack and Teague.

"We'll never outrun her!" Teague panted.

"I don't have to outrun her, only you!" Jack spat evilly. He dug into the last of his energy reserves and sped off away from Teague who was now being caught up by a dripping wet and utterly naked Cathy.

Teague collapsed on the ground having lost the will to run any further. Jack glanced back at the horror and shame that had been brought upon his family as Teague had fallen. Cathy, however, ignored him and kept running, her eyes locked on Jack. There had to be a way out! There always was, then Jack saw to his amazement, his saviours: washing lines.

If he could just get onto one he could over take her, she'd be too tired to climb, calculate and swing at the same time. Jack on the other hand was practically a monkey, acting on instinct and gut feeling.

Jack jumped as high as he could; stretching out his fingers when suddenly... he fell


	7. Have yourself a merry little christmas

**Chapter 7: Have yourself a merry little Christmas**

"Ow, Ow, OW!" Jack moaned as McFleming dabbed the blood off his nose.

"If ye hadn't tried to climb here, this wouldn't have happened," McFleming teased, handing Jack a cold cloth. "Put this on yer nose," she instructed. Jack did as he was told for a change.

"WOAH!" Valerie said evilly as she walked into the kitchen, "What happened? Did ye have a fight with the pavement!?"

"Pretty much, yeah," Jack admitted.

Valerie burst out laughing. "I've get yer report," she said, "do ye want to see it?"

"Not really," Jack said matter of factly. Valerie threw it at him anyway. She opened her report and looked over to Jack.

"Care to compare results?"

"No," Jack said grumpily. He accepted long ago that Valerie was better, academically, than him.

"Arithmetic, A*."

"Maths, C." Jack began; it was going to be a long day,

"Biology, Chemistry, French, Further Maths and German- all A star," Valerie listed boredly.

"All Ds," Jack said grumpily, then perked up, "Apart from further maths...which I didn't take."

Valerie looked down at her list.

"Physics, A*. Rhetoric A*," she listed,

"WAIT!" Jack shouted, "You missed music!"

"Music's easy. I didn't take it," Valerie smirked,

"Well I got an A!" Jack shouted, "and you try composing a violin concerto then!" He smirked, "I got an A in shipmanship as well- practical experience comes in handy..."

"A," Valerie smirked. "No amount of experience can beat natural,God-given talent, and last but not least, writing A..." Jack waited for the star but none came. Both cousions looked at each other, mouths hanging open,

"A? Just plain A?" Jack asked.

Valerie nodded.

For once Jack's ability to mock Valerie had left him, it was just too shocking.

Suddenly she burst into tears. "I got an A! An A in writing!" she sobbed.

"It's just an A! It's not like it's a B or anything, look, I bet you did better than me! I got an...A!" Jack was stunned, then: "I got an A in English! I got an A in English!" He whooped running around the kitchen screaming.

Valerie started screaming with anger. "I'M ONLY AS GOOD AS YOU! AND YOU'RE _ILLITERATE!"_ she shrieked, then she stopped, and a malevolent smile came on Valerie's face. "Teague is going to kill you."

Jack's face fell and all colour drained from him. He quickly scanned the page for the only grade that could make up for English, Law. If that was good, he'd be safe. Then he saw Doom stare him in the face...Law- U. He gulped. He started to walk towards the kitchen door.

"Where are ye going?" McFleming asked.

"To barricade the door to my room!" he shouted.

"Before you go," Mcfleming threw a cloth at Jack, "keep that pressed against yer nose!" she instructed. Jack rolled his eyes but again didn't protest, but just as he started to walk out of the kitchen, he heard the door slamming. His eyes widened in terror.

"Run!" Mcfleming shouted, Jack walked as casually and quickly as was possible and managed to get halfway up the stairs before,

"Jack!" Teague panted, he'd obviously been running, "Ye escaped Cathy...How?"

Jack turned to show his bruised and bloody face.

"What happened!" Teague gasped, suddenly worried.

"I...was...attacked?" Jack questioned, "Yeah let's go with that," he muttered. "By a... a bear?"

"A bear?" Teague asked confused.

Valerie giggled.

"Yeah! Well I wasn't! There was this little girl who walked out of an alley and the bear was running towards her! So I decided to play the hero! I leapt onto the bear's back and stabbed it in the arm. It slammed me to the floor but I managed to throw it off! Seriously if you think I look bad, you should see the bear!" Jack said proudly putting his chin in the air.

"That is not what happened!" Valerie laughed, then she turned to Teague, "He was trying to escape from Cathy by _cleverly, _and I use the word very loosely, jumping onto the laundry lines and swinging away from her, only his little scenario didn't work out and just as he jumped, because of the uh height issue, he couldn't reach so he fell, head first, onto the pavement where a few of your drunk friends found him and kindly deposited him home!"

Jack turned bright red. Teague looked at him questioningly.

"Oh and by the way, here's his school report," Valerie smirked,

"I hate you." Jack stated just before Valerie walked out. Teague read the report. Growing paler, he read it again. He turned it upside down as if it might change the results.

"What," Teague spat, "do you have to say for yourself?"

Jack gulped, thinking quickly, he'd have to use his best weapon, big brown eyes. So, giving Teague his best 'I'm innocent in all this' look Jack looked Teague into his eyes and said,"I wove woo daddy?" he lisped.

Teague's fists clenched as if he was about to pound Jack into a pulp, "My own son...a...a nerd." The word hung in the air between them.

"It's just ...an A?"

"In writing of all subjects, of all the awful things you are Jack I never thought I'd be cursed with a...a wussy for a son. A nerd, a swat, a keener."

"I am NOT a keener, look at all those Ds and that U- maybe don't look at the U. I can't help being eloquent with words!"

Teague's eyes scanned to the U. "My own son, my heir...I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU WISH YOU'D NEVER BEEN BORN!" Teague ran at Jack, his face full of anger and rage.

Jack screamed and ran, once again, for his life.


	8. Any Chance of a Festive Blowjob?

Chapter 8: Any chance of a festive blowjob?

A/N: Very, very sorry that this chapter has taken so long to upload there was a debacle with a laptop and some passwords and it all got very complicated and also at the moment both of us are having to do GCSE's (how very inconvenient!) so writing is becoming harder and harder but I do promise that after June has finished things can probably be updated more often, not weekly but hey! Let's get the Christmas fic finished before Christmas, eh?

"Ow, ow, OW!" Jack shrieked as Mcfleming once again dabbed at the blood that flowed from his nose.

"Well, this wouldn't have happened if your father wasn't a psychopath!" Mcfleming exclaimed.

Jack glared at Teague. "I feel abused."

Teague just rolled his eyes.

"I think..." Mcfleming started as she poked at Jack's nose bone, "I think it's broken."

Jack once again glared at Teague. "Ya hear that! Broken! YOU BROKE MY NOSE!"

Teague just rolled his eyes again.

"WORST. PARENT. EVER!" Jack screamed as he ran out the house, slamming the door behind him. Teague burst out laughing.

"You are by far THE worst father of all time!" Mcfleming laughed.

"Any chance of a festive blowjob?" Jack cried, wandering into the Rising Sun.

As one, the whores turned away from their various suitors towards the sound of their god: Jack. Their mouths hung open... but not, Jack felt, to accept his manhood.

"Jack," Amelia gasped, "your nose! Your beautiful nose!"

She, Rose, Martha and Donna gravitated towards him.

"Who hurt you?" Rose simpered, then turned vicious, grabbing a knife and fork from the bar. "I will cut them!"

"My dad..." Jack croaked, choked up with emotion, and then he told them the whole story.

"Awwwwwwwww!" the whores cried as one. Donna reached for a napkin to mop at the blood on his face, while Martha ran her hands through his greasy locks.

"So," Jack smiled seductively around at them, "how about that festive blow job?"

"Hey sexy! Is it hot in here or is it just you!" Clara said walking through the throngs of whores gathered around the Jack.

"Clara!" Jack smiled beginning to walk towards her. When suddenly he stopped. His face turned white as he stared at Clara's body. "Clara you're..."

"Pregnant! It's fantastic isn't it!"

"Yeah!" Jack said looking thoroughly sick. Whoever the father was Jack pitied him.

"And it's nearly due! Eight months and three weeks at the moment! It'll be a Christmas Baby! I'm thinking of calling him Jesus!"

Jack's eyes widened in horror. Clara, his favourite whore, was bursting at the seams. His eyes lifted to his head trying to figure out how many months he'd been gone...

Practically nine.

He gulped.

"So Clara?" Jack asked growing paler, "ummm who's the ummm..." he swallowed, "Father?"

"Who do you think Jack?" Clara asked, smiling sweetly.

"Ummmm..." Jack swallowed again, "Diego?" he asked hopefully.

"Of course not!" Diego sauntered over to stand beside Clara and put his arm around her shoulder. "This one's all yours!"

Jack stared straight ahead, the whole room was swaying and suddenly it felt as though he was standing at the Gates of Hell it was so hot!

"You alright mate?" Diego asked, worriedly. "Ya look a little green."

"Yeah...I'm..." Just at that moment Jack keeled over backwards landing on the floor, completely unconscious.

When Jack woke up he was lying in one of the rooms at the Rising Sun with all the whores (Diego included) gathered around him. Some looked horrified, others were fanning him while Diego laughed in the corner.

"Jack!" they cried in unison as Jack opened his beautiful chocolate brown eyes.

"huhwha...mmmmmm," Jack groaned.

"Let me see him! He is the father of my unborn child!" Clara shouted. Jack turned white.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, caressing Jack's cheek, her stomach pressed against Jack's arm. He wasn't sure but he thought he felt something kick his hand, causing him to snap it away.

"Uuuuugghhh...fine." Jack smiled awkwardly up at Clara, trying desperately to edge away from her, "I think I might just go home... ya know, rest the old noggin!"

"Awwwwhhhh," the gaggle of whores around him cooed.

"Sorry ladies but alas it's Christmas! And Christmas is a time for families!" Jack's eyes widened as he remembered Clara, "My older family!" he corrected himself before running out of the room and back to the ram-shacked shed that contained his murderous family of cut-throats.


	9. Keeping away from the manger

Chapter 9: Keeping Away from the Manger.

Jack was stuck. Completely and utterly trapped in Shipwreck Cove!

"Of all the bloody places!" He grumbled to himself. Jack had decided to stay in his room for as long as possible and that could be a pretty long time! There was no food to go downstairs to, so no need to leave for breakfast, lunch or dinner and none of his family particularly cared where he was so no need to come down or face any of them for any reason. The only thing that was making Jack want to open the door was boredom; his room had absolutely nothing in it for entertainment, thinking about it, the whole house was completely fun- free!

The more and more Jack thought of the outside world, the more he thought he needed to go to it, he needed to go and see Diego and get drunk! He needed a whore to sleep with! These were the necessities of life!

After what seemed like hours, but was in fact just 20 minutes, Jack decided to go and see what Shipwreck Cove could offer for entertainment. There must be something, Jack thought, I can't have done EVERYTHING shipwreck cove has! So Jack started his quest in the Easts' room, after all they were children.

"C'mon, where's your toys." Jack smiled, rubbing his eyes, but after searching for at least ten minutes all he found was a demonic cross with a doll pinned to it, a doll with pins in its eyes, heart and crotch, a trail of stuffing leading back to a teddy bear that looked like it had been chewed and a small pile of burnt dolls and stuffed toys with a pile of buttons next to it, which, Jack assumed, must have been their eyes. "...right." Jack stated slowly backing out of the room, "nothing in here then." He continued before running out of the door and slamming it behind him.

He decided not to tell Mcfleming but to let someone else stumble upon their things at a later date. So Jack went down into the living room and slumped on the sofa, looking thoroughly miserable. That was when something caught his eye, in fact a series of shelves of somethings.

"Books? Here?" He mumbled, "When did they get here?"

Tentatively he picked one off the shelf and looked at the title, "'My Lyfe Amoung the Pyrates.'" He read aloud before sitting down on the sofa and opening the first page.

Teague was exhausted.

He had spent the day arguing with his mother, arguing with his brother and arguing with the general public. He was starting to think that Jack had been right and maybe he should have spent the holidays in Tortuga where he and Jack could avoid each other for the entire day then lie to each other about where they'd been.

"What have you done today?" Teague would ask

"Just went down to Arabella's house. You?" But there was always that little glint in his eyes that said he'd enjoyed the pleasurable embrace of a woman in one of the many brothels.

"Oh, ya know, sorted out the ship." Drunk far too much alcohol and then lost a large part of your inheritance in a card game. Ah, those were the days!

Today, however, seemed different, for some reason the house seemed quiet...too quiet. The only sound filling the halls as he entered was the door squeaking closed behind him.

"Hello?" He called tentatively.

No answer.

No smash of plates, no screams, no daggers behind hurled. Nothing. That could only mean one thing.

Someone was dead.

Teague ran through the house calling names through the halls:

"VALERIE! NORTH? SOUTH!? EAST!? WEST! JACK!JACK! VALERIE!" and then he got to the living room. There on the sofa lay a still Jack.

Teague ran towards him and scooped him up into his arms, hugging him close.

"Jack! Oh Jack! I'm so sorry! You were right! We should have stayed home! Oh gosh! Jack! Not now! Valerie can't be my heir! You're at least slightly normal! Jack!"

"What are you doing?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Teague screamed jumping off the sofa and landing on his rear. "You're not dead!"

"Of course I'm not dead you twat! I do know where and when to sleep in this place!" Jack said, stretching.

"Where is everyone?" Teague asked,

"It's Christmas, there are happy hours everywhere! All the time!"

"Oh! Why aren't you there?"

"That is not a question you're meant to ask your underage offspring..." Jack tutted, secretly relieved that his brain worked just as quickly without alcohol than it did with. Teague had no idea about Clara.

"Right..." Teague said looking around the room, before his eyes rested on what was beside the sofa...a...book. "Jack? What is this?" He asked holding it up.

"Oh that! I was bored, so I thought I'd give it a try! Good book! Gotta say! Ending was brilliant!"

"You...read...this?" Teague chocked,

"Read it! I finished it! Bout two hours ago now, that's probably why I fell asleep."

"You read and finished a book in one day..."

Jack nodded,

"You bastard."

"what?"

"You heard me! I was willing to forgive you for that...A, in English, of all subjects! But acting on your nerdiness! I've never been more ashamed!"

"YOU BROKE MY NOSE! IF YOU HADN'T DONE THAT, MAYBE I COULD BE OUTSIDE FULLFILLING YOUR IDEA OF YOUR PERFECT SON, BUT I'M SO SORRY FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO LIVE UP TO THE NAME OF THE GREAT TEAGUE FAMILY! THE DRUNKARDS OF THE SEVEN SEAS! SO MUCH FAMILY PRIDE!" Jack screamed at Teague.

SLAP!

Jack reeled backwards.

"DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! YOU UNGREATFUL SWINE! I AM THE REASON YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED TODAY AND THEN YOU GO AND BETRAY ME WITH SOMETHING LIKE THIS! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

"HAPPILY!" Jack screamed storming out of the living room and up the stairs, back to his fun-free chamber of boredom.

"Contraception, why didn't I think of contraception?" Teague muttered to himself.

A/N: I thought I'd try and do a few more of these now and then! So here's a go, to those of you who have made it this far I do thank you but please do continue on your epic quest through Jack's Christmas experience! But also please R&amp;R, it is very much appreciated! Believe it or not time and effort has been spent on this and we'd love to know what you think!


End file.
